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Monday, September 17, 2012

Loneliness

I went out for a while last night, not clubbing or anything like that. I went to the African Street Festival. I really didn't want to go because I don't like to "window shop" My funds are kinda low this time of the month being on a fixed income and all. So I didn't want to go because my home is decorated in African decor. And I know I would see and want things for my home that I would not able to get at that moment.
Well I end up going anyway, me, uncle, auntie, Isaac and my bestie and we met up with a cousin. We walked around, looked at all the beautiful African items, clothes, painting, jewelry, furniture,etc.  Uncle blessed me and got me some Shea Butter( I've been wanting for a long time) got to sample some different types of food.
It was cool.
So we head over to the stage to listen to a few bands play. I sat back and chilled, Issac is having a ball running and playing with other kids. He got up on stage with one of the bands.

video
As I was sitting there listening to the music, I love live music, watching others dance and have a good time.
Then a note was played and word was sung and I just drifted off  to another place and time. I no longer heard the music. I was in my own thoughts. The place I ended up in was loneliness. I was in a crowd and felt so alone. Something that I have been battling for the past few years off and on now. No time is a better time, be it morning, noon or night  this "place" always finds me. And the funny thing is I cant describe it in words, Its a feeling that I dislike so much but know so well. But I cant be mad because "I" am the reason that "I" am here.
I often wonder what it would have been like if I didn't sabotage some of my friendships/relationships with my fears and low self esteem. Would I be in this moment. Would my heart ache with such loneliness at times.
Yes, I have a distraction, but he(Issac) is growing so fast and he doesn't need me as much as I need him. I try to stay up beat and positive, I try, I really do but it gets hard at times. This feeling consumes me and the tears flow.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a needy woman but I do need. And I'm not going to settle for anything or anybody, just to have someone in my life.
 I will continue to wait on the Lord to position me for my mate.

I wish I was as care free as Isaac is in this video.
bblessed ©