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Monday, May 21, 2012

Who did It... or did i do it...(real talk)

The 1st day and after being diagnosed, I kept hearing this question, " do you know who gave/did this to you"
 And that made me think....
 Ok, lets analyze this situation for a few minutes. The 1st question in my head was, when was the last time you were tested??  Ummm, well lets see, at that time I was 33 yrs old trying to make it to 34, Lord willing. The last time I was tested I was 19 years old. OK, OK, so that means it had been 14 years since I'd been tested!!??  Shut the front door!!!
 I can only remember a little about my visit.. Lentz Health Clinic... after being tested, walking out.... light headed about to faint with fear. Thinking about the situation I was in at the time. I had been with someone(Larry) for about three year, he was my 1st  been with him since I was 16 and he was 19, I was faithful, but was he? I nearly passed out walking out of that office. Back then it took a few weeks to get your results back. They said they would call or send a letter. I didn't get either and I didn't go to find out my results either.  I didn't take anybody with me, so know body knew I had done it, maybe I should have taken someone with me. I wasn't expecting this reaction, I just got scared at the end.
So it had been 14 years, that's 2 monogamous relationships,1 marriage, and countless protected and unprotected sex.
And they ask me who did this to me. I was starting to think I did it to myself.
At first I really tried to figure it out, tried to point the finger at somebody. The more I thought about it, would that person tell me they did it? I don't think so. Yes, I have a idea who it is, but I can't prove it. All I could do was give his name to the Health Department.

I could go in sane wondering about this, this could have consumed my life and made me angry and bitter. I could blame myself and I did for a very long time.
But I choose not to stay stuck at that point in my life. I learned how to forgive myself and that person. I've learned how to love myself.
 I learned God gave me this life because He knew I could handle it. I know that I am changing from the inside out. I've learned that my struggles are not always for me but for others to see how I handle them and how God will bring me through them. and His praise will be in my mouth at all times.

Phillippians 3; v13~ Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind me, and reaching forth unto those things which are before